We had a supermarket and lived in a bungalow attached to the shop. One morning, very early, my father shook me awake it was about 3am.

“Get up” says he
“Uh” says I
“Get up and get your shotgun” says he

Wide awake now

“What’s up Da” says I
“We have robbers in the shop get your gun” says he.

Now I am a big lad and so was the ould man.

“whoa Da we can deal with it without the gun” says I
“Get the gun NOW” says he.

Well the gun was in the wardrobe and I retrieved it with a belt of cartridges. The ould lad took the gun, fed two shells in and put the belt over his shoulder. All the way through the hall and the kitchen I was pleading with him to put the gun down and we would deal with it.

“No fecking robber is fecking going to fecking rob my fecking shop” says he (he was on form that night)

We passed through the small store and into the shop when a shadow passed the front door and bugger me if the ould lad didn’t let go with both barrels. The glass took the brunt of the shot and shattered and the ould lad took off running jumping through the hole where the glass was and fed two more shells into the gun and let fly up the road and he wasn’t aiming high either. A distant figure could be seen legging it up the road too far away for the shot to do him any damage.

The ould lad gave me the gun..

“feckers, get the brush NOW” says he

The day after the “Rambo” incident when the ould lad thought he was Sylvester Stallone as we repelled the robbers. Well he repelled them, I was trying to stop him committing, in his words “justi-fecking-fiable homicide”. When he was in full flow the swear words would often appear in the middle of the word.

The Guards arrived the following day to investigate the discharge of a firearm at 3am. Sergeant Nolan and Guard Daly arrived in full uniform and walked into the shop. I was stacking shelves at the time and stopped, drew up a chair and sat down. My father’s hatred of the Guards was legendary and this should be fun.

“Well Michael, I am here to investigate a report of a firearm being discharged at 3am this morning” says the Sergeant

“What you fecking talking about” says the ould lad

“A concerned neighbour reported hearing shotgun fire this morning” says the Sergeant

“Concerned neighbour ? fecking nosey fecker you mean” says the ould lad

“This neighbour is adamant” says the Sergeant

“I can guess what nosey fecker it was and it was probably her old man letting rip a drunken fart as he got in from the pub” says the ould lad

The Sergeant sighed and looked around because he knew he would get no sense out of the ould lad.

“Michael, how did the glass get broken” says the Sergeant

“Bicycle banged against it” says the ould lad


Now it didn’t take Columbo to work out that the glass was all on the outside,

“Michael, All the glass is on the outside” says the Sergeant, rather smugly

“Yes you fecking eejit, Gerard cleaned it all up this morning and put it outside” says the ould lad rather like he was talking to a child.

FFS don’t bring me into this I am in enough trouble with the law as it is.

“Is this true Gerard” says the Sergeant

The brain thought “What a stupid question, as if I am going to contradict the ould lad”

The mouth said “Yes Sergeant”

“I’m watching you two” says the Sergeant (FFS why watch me) and they left in the squad car.

“Feckers, they wouldn’t find a clue if it fecking bit them on the arse” says the ould lad.


More on the ould lad and his dislike for members of the Garda Siochana later ……